Longevity vs Immediate

Relationships come in many types; however, two very broad ones are long-term and ones which serve an immediate need. Long-term examples are marriage, life-long friends, family, and some career relationships. Short-term cover anyone from the person you pass on the street to someone you date merely to go out.

Both types of relationships are important; both play different parts in our lives. Marriages and life-long friends have an obvious need to have a strong relationship. However, short-term relationships can be just as important in the moment. We have to establish some type of relationship with, for instance, a store clerk in order to deal with the discussion of a purchase. If you don't trust the clerk at all, of if the clerk thinks you are not worth his/her time, then the purchase will not go smoothly if at all.

It will help each of us to take a look at all our relationships, even those in which the time is very short, and see how much attention we are paying to each of them. Our lives overall, I think, will be better served if we work hard at even the shortest of relationships, giving that individual the care and time he/she deserves. They will notice that attention and react, most of the time, in accordance with it. In other words, a smile or a kind word can change someone's entire day.

Remember: Be good to everyone for all of them are fighting some kind of battle. We just don't know what it is.

I look forward to your comments, Scott

Dedication

Today, let's take a look at dedication, a very important part of loving relationships. Most of the time, we think of dedication as something someone has to a career or a sport or a hobby. We don't often think of dedication as part of a loving relationship in quite those terms.

When people enter into a loving, long-term relationship, they tend to look at it as a situation in which love will always carry them through. I have talked to a lot of married couples and they agree; however, they also say there are those times when it is teeth-gritting, nose-to-the-grindstone effort and determination that keeps them together. A partner does something that infuriates the other person; something happens that tests the partnership to the limits. It is in these times that dedication comes into play.

If a long-term relationship is to prosper and become all that it can be, then both partners have to become dedicated to each other. This does not mean that either should ignore problems; on the contrary, in a long-term, loving, dedicated relationship, partners not only see the problems, but actively engage them in an effort to remove their effects from the situation. This may include making changes to self or long discussions on how the couple can work together to reach an agreement that keeps both people respected and loved and where neither is giving up more than he/she can handle.

What do you think? I look forward to your comments, Scott

Trust - the foundation of a relationship

Trust.

Trust is that elusive feeling that develops when you know someone well enough to be able to predict what they will do or say in a given situation. If you take a good look at that definition, you will see that it doesn't necessarily have to be a positive thing. I can know a co-worker well enough to know he will not do something he should do. I can "trust" him to be that way. I can know that my mailman will lose some of my mail and/or deliver it to my neighbor half the time; I can "trust" him to do that. People can be trusted to be either reliable or unreliable; honest or dishonest; faithful or not faithful.

What most people think of as trust is when you know a person well enough to know they can: Keep a secret Remain faithful Be honest with you or, any of a number of positive traits. And, yes, these are the ones we truly desire. Are these as important as we say they are? I see two different worlds concerning this:

First, I do see the world in which people want to love each other, care for each other, and spend the rest of their lives together being faithful, honest, and strong. The problem is that I see a lot of these same people choosing partners who are none of those and the person usually knows this and picks them anyway!

Why? Why do people do this? I think that answer is something that is going to have to come from all of you. I have my suspicions and thoughts, but I would rather see how you all react to the above. Tell us:

1) Do you agree that we say one thing and then, so often, choose the opposite?

2) Do you wonder why we do that? What are your thoughts?

3) If you do agree, how do you think we can change ourselves so that we do head more toward trust?

I look forward to your comments, Scott

Taking out the Relationship Garbage

It seems to me that, often, people in relationships (friendly or otherwise) tend to go through cycles in which each person builds up tension of some sort (good or bad) and then needs to release it. I watch friends who really get along one day and the next are at each other's throat. I see people argue, fight, make up, and discuss all within a few minutes. However, what strikes me the most is that, while this seems to be fine and works out in the long run, I don't think it really does. The people, in my opinion, are merely pushing things around instead of "taking out the garbage" (read that as "getting to the root of the problem and working it out long-term").

Instead of just going on and on here, I would like to hear responses to these questions:

1) What do you think of the idea that relationships are cyclic and build up tensions and toxins?

2) What could people do to "take out the garbage"?

Let me know. I am looking forward to your comments.

Scott

Seeing Past to the Reality Beneath

Another important step in beginning the path of working with mind/spirit/nature connections is to be able to see people as they really are. Someone comes into work and is grouchy to you; a person honks at you while you are driving; someone calls you a name; someone talks down to you or treats you like an inferior.

All of the above, I imagine, sound familiar to most of you. I know that, in my lifetime, I have had all of the above, and worse, done to me. I don't quite react the same way (well, 99% of the time) as I used to. It is harder to make me angry back at someone/something. More importantly, it is harder to make me angry on the inside. The reason is simple: I have improved on my ability to see people as they really are.

This has happened because, mostly, I really try to pay attention to people and not just hear or see them. Working with students who have anger problems helped me a great deal because, nearly all of the time, when they go off at me, it's not me they are angry at. In fact, most of the time, I am their "safety net". They know they have a better chance of getting away with getting angry at me than at anyone else. They know I will listen and try to help them. Most of the time, it is fear that drives them, and I believe it is mostly fear which makes all of us get angry. I have been told that anger is not really an emotion; it is a "secondary" emotion; it comes from a deeper emotion, usually fear. This is important, not only to help you see others truly, but to help you see yourself truly. Next time you get angry, take a good look and try to see why you are angry. Then, look deeper and try to see what you might be afraid of that is making you show anger. For instance, if someone gets mad at the way you do something at work, and you get angry, perhaps, you are afraid that, if they see it, others might, too, and you might get in trouble or fired. If that's the case try to diffuse the angry by looking at it as a positive note: What are you doing? Is it really wrong/bad? Should you change it? Those three questions can stifle the anger and, perhaps, point you to a way of not having to hear that statement again by fixing the problem.

Only by knowing yourself can you know others. The infinite connections we have with the universe can all work together to help us if we are willing to truly look.

I look forward to your comments, Scott

What's the Harm in a Little White Lie?

Lying is something that all of us (come on, admit it) do, at least, just a little now and then. Someone calls you to ask a favor or to meet them and you say you "don't feel well." You forget to do something for someone and you make up a little story so as to "not hurt their feelings". Is that so bad?

I have been looking around and listening to both myself and others and it is amazing what we sometimes say. The question is: what is the harm?

I am not going to deal with religious punishments or things like that here. I just want to point out two very practical problems with any type of lying. Perhaps, that will help each of us to "think" before we "speak" (if it's a lie).

First, and the boldest, you have to keep track of them! You tell something that didn't happen and now you have to remember that, as far as you are concerned (and the person you fibbed to) it did happen. You can't even let it slip somewhere else. This world is very small. People know people. You tell your friend. Your friend accidently let's it slip to one person who is a friend. That friend owes you nothing, so remembering it is not so nearly important...on and on...

Second, and more importantly, when you lie, you reduce yourself in your own head. When a lie is told, your mind knows it is not the truth. There are all types of twists and turns, but it boils down to: you let yourself down. Plus, you let the person you told the lie to down. Do you not think that person is capable of accepting the truth? If not, then why? We should all be able to handle the truth if it is stated out of love and concern and honesty. Now, there are many ways to tell the truth. There are ways to keep it from hurting so much and making us appear mean and uncaring. Example:

Joe: "Hey, Scott, how about helping me Saturday morning at the hamburger fry?"

Scott: (Lie) "Joe, I would like to, but I promised my boss I would get some important paperwork done and it will take a long time."

Scott: (Truth) "Joe, I enjoy helping you do things. You are a good friend, but I don't really want to spend this Saturday at a hamburger fry."

In the first example, Joe can't really argue with you. You are doing your job. But, after several times with the same basic excuse, Joe will figure it out and be hurt.

In the second example, Joe should hear that you like him and helping him and spending time with him, but it is the activity itself you don't want to do, nothing to do with Joe.

Just a thought. You know there are few things that will lose you friends quicker than lying to them and getting caught. Telling the truth in a loving way can help to bring you and your friends and family even closer together by building trust.

I look forward to your comments, Scott

Listening to your True Self

I teach special education and I have noticed these children (as well as most of the rest of the world) seem very caught up in what others think of them. To a point, that is good. It's a step forward to be proactive in how we appear to others. However, what I am talking about is the times when it becomes so important to you what others think, that you "lose" yourself trying to appease or please them. You go out with friends and they do something or plan to do something you disagree with. You know it's not something you would, normally, choose to do, but you find yourself right in the middle with everyone else. What's really interesting is when you find yourself in this situation and no one even hinted that you needed to. In other words, you become so engrossed in what you "think" they want you to do, you don't even ask. We are in a time of turmoil and change; there are so many different things to choose from that it can seem endless. It becomes a sea of choices. The problem is that most of us cannot seem to swim through this sea of "opportunities" without floundering at times. For some, it is not just floundering; they sink and never come up the same. What is our true opportunity here? Where is the positive? I think the positive opportunity here today is that we have a chance to look deep inside and see our true selves and let that person out for all to see. Instead of just believing or doing because someone else does, thing about it, study it, discuss it. Then, when you truly feel ready to decide, then look at it from all sides and make your choice. More times than not, you will find yourself parting the waters of the sea of choices and becoming a person of infinite worth. I look forward to your comments, Scott

Moving with the Flow

I realized this morning that, in order for you to all have a new topic for discussion, my schedule demands that I choose that subject in the evening before. I hope that will work well. As for today, school was cancelled, so I will do today's topic now and try to do tomorrow's topic tonight. That sounds, however, too strict for what I envision this site to be. I think there may be times when your topics of interest and suggestions will point to a better direction than mine; I also believe that some topics may need several days to cover. So, let's just agree to take it a day at a time. I will set off with a topic today, though. I thought about it and the idea of "positive flow" appeals to my spirit right now. I consider positive flow to be the way in which your spirit moves the best. It is also the best for your mind and for nature, in general. That doesn't mean that it all has to be positive. The word "flow" doesn't refer to a specific movement, but to more of a general direction. I read once that there are many ways to get from one city to another. First, you can just hop on the interstate, drive as straight as possible, and arrive. Or, you could get on an airplane and fly, mostly straight, there. However, you could also head the exact opposite direction, travel the entire world, and end up there anyway. Which is best? Well, it depends on why you are going. If you have an appointment, then the quickest direction may be the best; however, if you are going to enjoy the scenery and have various experiences, then traveling the world fits much better into that category. Just think of how you might have changed when you reach your destination after many months of traveling around the world to get there. Even more so if you never got into an airplane, but went by foot as much as possible. The experiences would then become part of the journey toward the destination. In that case, even the bad experiences would become part of the positiveness of reaching your destination. I think a lot of our problems come from perspective, not from experiences. I got a speeding ticket a year ago October. It upset me; it had been 15 years since my last one. I remember looking up to God and saying, "So, what's so positive about this one?". The very next night, as I was heading home, I remembered that I needed to stop at my Aunt's. I saw the turn and managed to make it. I would have made it going faster, but, because of the ticket, I was going the speed limit or below. Because of that experience, I was going slow enough that I did not hit the man in the dark coat on the dark motorcycle that night. I missed him by inches, but just a few mph more and, well...I told God I understood. That's Life! That's positive flow. I look forward to your comments and your support of this site. Without you, it all falls apart. Scott

New Day but same problems

I think I will stick with yesterday's topic of True Long-Term Relationships and edge into the term "commitment" today. Yesterday, I spoke of the difference between LTRs and TLTRs; the main difference being the word "true" and what it refers to in an LTR. Truth is a fundamentally important concept in relationships of all types. I can't imagine being in an LTR without truth being one of the foundation blocks. If truth flows through your life and your loves and all your relationships, it just seems to make life easier and much more fulfilling. Here's one big example. I am divorced. In an effort to try and meet more people, I have, over the years, joined and explored several online dating sites. You know, there is a lot of pain and suffering going on in the lives of most of the people on these sites. People have, normally, been hurt by past spouses, lovers, and so forth and are very guarded in what they say and don't say. I think I could go into weeks and weeks of discussion just on these sites, but the point I want to make here today is that what I see a lot of are the guarded emotions of people reflected in the lies/deceptions they portray on these sites. People tell you who they are and what they want and, so often, this is not the truth of the matter. I am not talking about the scammers and predators on sites like these. Though they are rampant, they can, usually, be noticed, figured out, and avoided without too much trouble. No, the ones I am talking about are those people who feel the need to cover up themselves by using false characteristics to get people to check them out. Years ago, I agreed to meet with a young woman who, I felt, had a lot in common with me. We agreed to meet at a local restaurant and eat/chat for a first meeting. When I arrived, it was apparent, first, that the picture in the site was not at all a recent photo, nor was it representative of the person. This, along with other things discovered during the meal/chat helped me to understand that this person was hoping that, if she could just get people to meet her (by lying, basically), they would be so overcome by what a wonderful person "she was" that they would care for her and forget the lies. Was she really trying to deceive people? I don't think so; not really. She had to know that most guys would not put up with someone who, the first thing they noticed, was that the other person was lying. They had to know this. So, what I think is that they were very desperate, not because they were not worth knowing, but because they think that are no longer worth knowing. They do not believe in themselves as worthy of love or care. I grew up with very low self-esteem; I know this feeling; I remember avoiding a lot of social gatherings, because I didn't want to take the chance of people finding out I was really nearly worthless under whatever guise I was wearing. If I did attend, I tended to keep to myself or to only talk to my close friends or to keep the talk very light. I have overcome the vast majority of that today; however, it took years of work, counseling, trial/error situations, and determination that I was worth it. That last part, by the way, is the most important as you will get nowhere at all until you believe in yourself. There are a lot of good books and movies and such on that subject and we can discuss those if you choose to in the discussion. What it all boils down to is that you need commitment in your LTRs so they become TLTRs, and you can't give that commitment well until you can do it with truth, and that first means not lying to yourself. I look forward to your comments, Scott

The First of a long series - and some guidelines

I would like to continue this one for a few days, but am also content with changing at any time Here's what I envision, though you could change the format with comments and suggestions: I will begin with a topic. The first one is True Long-Term Relationships. I will send out an initial post for the topic (below). After that, I will join you in the discussion as I can. You can change the topic at anytime or we can have 1 or 2 flowing through. the biggest thing for this blog is that it is to be positively-oriented, non-judgmental, and aimed at helping people in mind/spirit building. If I see the topic going too far off-track, I will post a change of topic and a new original posting to get it going. I am truly looking forward to this. Though the monetary value of the blog is secondary to me, I would appreciate a click or two on the ads to help both this website and me. Thanks, Scott First Posting on Long-Term Relationships (LTR) I chose this as the first in a long series of mind/spirit topics because I don't think people truly value what goes into a LTR. Oh, anyone can have an one. It isn't too hard to get involved with someone and head toward marriage. However, that is not what I am talking about here. Instead of LTR, I am speaking of TLTR, or TRUE ones. This means that, not only is it a Long-Term Relationship, but that it centers on a solid, loving, caring relationship. Most people think they have a good idea of what this means, but, as I look at the world, the people I know, the ones I read about, and the whole order going on around me, what I see are people who are "settling" for being together and finding out that the communication level is poor, the knowledge of each other is poor, and the desire to love each other and help each other through rough times is poor. Tell me your thoughts, your experiences, and your dreams...Help us to understand both how we're are alike and different in these areas as well as where we need to be heading to become involved in a truly loving, long-term relationship that will keep us being the best we can be. Namaste, Scott

1st Day's Topic: True long-term relationships

I think I would like this to just be a random place where, each day or so, we could simply post thoughts about everyday situations or topics that are life-changing or spiritual in nature and see how it goes. I want this to be a non-judgmental blog, so don't pick on others, just comment and bring your thoughts and ideas out with the idea to help everyone and make this a better world. Thanks, Scott