What's the Harm in a Little White Lie?

Lying is something that all of us (come on, admit it) do, at least, just a little now and then. Someone calls you to ask a favor or to meet them and you say you "don't feel well." You forget to do something for someone and you make up a little story so as to "not hurt their feelings". Is that so bad?

I have been looking around and listening to both myself and others and it is amazing what we sometimes say. The question is: what is the harm?

I am not going to deal with religious punishments or things like that here. I just want to point out two very practical problems with any type of lying. Perhaps, that will help each of us to "think" before we "speak" (if it's a lie).

First, and the boldest, you have to keep track of them! You tell something that didn't happen and now you have to remember that, as far as you are concerned (and the person you fibbed to) it did happen. You can't even let it slip somewhere else. This world is very small. People know people. You tell your friend. Your friend accidently let's it slip to one person who is a friend. That friend owes you nothing, so remembering it is not so nearly important...on and on...

Second, and more importantly, when you lie, you reduce yourself in your own head. When a lie is told, your mind knows it is not the truth. There are all types of twists and turns, but it boils down to: you let yourself down. Plus, you let the person you told the lie to down. Do you not think that person is capable of accepting the truth? If not, then why? We should all be able to handle the truth if it is stated out of love and concern and honesty. Now, there are many ways to tell the truth. There are ways to keep it from hurting so much and making us appear mean and uncaring. Example:

Joe: "Hey, Scott, how about helping me Saturday morning at the hamburger fry?"

Scott: (Lie) "Joe, I would like to, but I promised my boss I would get some important paperwork done and it will take a long time."

Scott: (Truth) "Joe, I enjoy helping you do things. You are a good friend, but I don't really want to spend this Saturday at a hamburger fry."

In the first example, Joe can't really argue with you. You are doing your job. But, after several times with the same basic excuse, Joe will figure it out and be hurt.

In the second example, Joe should hear that you like him and helping him and spending time with him, but it is the activity itself you don't want to do, nothing to do with Joe.

Just a thought. You know there are few things that will lose you friends quicker than lying to them and getting caught. Telling the truth in a loving way can help to bring you and your friends and family even closer together by building trust.

I look forward to your comments, Scott

Listening to your True Self

I teach special education and I have noticed these children (as well as most of the rest of the world) seem very caught up in what others think of them. To a point, that is good. It's a step forward to be proactive in how we appear to others. However, what I am talking about is the times when it becomes so important to you what others think, that you "lose" yourself trying to appease or please them. You go out with friends and they do something or plan to do something you disagree with. You know it's not something you would, normally, choose to do, but you find yourself right in the middle with everyone else. What's really interesting is when you find yourself in this situation and no one even hinted that you needed to. In other words, you become so engrossed in what you "think" they want you to do, you don't even ask. We are in a time of turmoil and change; there are so many different things to choose from that it can seem endless. It becomes a sea of choices. The problem is that most of us cannot seem to swim through this sea of "opportunities" without floundering at times. For some, it is not just floundering; they sink and never come up the same. What is our true opportunity here? Where is the positive? I think the positive opportunity here today is that we have a chance to look deep inside and see our true selves and let that person out for all to see. Instead of just believing or doing because someone else does, thing about it, study it, discuss it. Then, when you truly feel ready to decide, then look at it from all sides and make your choice. More times than not, you will find yourself parting the waters of the sea of choices and becoming a person of infinite worth. I look forward to your comments, Scott

New Day but same problems

I think I will stick with yesterday's topic of True Long-Term Relationships and edge into the term "commitment" today. Yesterday, I spoke of the difference between LTRs and TLTRs; the main difference being the word "true" and what it refers to in an LTR. Truth is a fundamentally important concept in relationships of all types. I can't imagine being in an LTR without truth being one of the foundation blocks. If truth flows through your life and your loves and all your relationships, it just seems to make life easier and much more fulfilling. Here's one big example. I am divorced. In an effort to try and meet more people, I have, over the years, joined and explored several online dating sites. You know, there is a lot of pain and suffering going on in the lives of most of the people on these sites. People have, normally, been hurt by past spouses, lovers, and so forth and are very guarded in what they say and don't say. I think I could go into weeks and weeks of discussion just on these sites, but the point I want to make here today is that what I see a lot of are the guarded emotions of people reflected in the lies/deceptions they portray on these sites. People tell you who they are and what they want and, so often, this is not the truth of the matter. I am not talking about the scammers and predators on sites like these. Though they are rampant, they can, usually, be noticed, figured out, and avoided without too much trouble. No, the ones I am talking about are those people who feel the need to cover up themselves by using false characteristics to get people to check them out. Years ago, I agreed to meet with a young woman who, I felt, had a lot in common with me. We agreed to meet at a local restaurant and eat/chat for a first meeting. When I arrived, it was apparent, first, that the picture in the site was not at all a recent photo, nor was it representative of the person. This, along with other things discovered during the meal/chat helped me to understand that this person was hoping that, if she could just get people to meet her (by lying, basically), they would be so overcome by what a wonderful person "she was" that they would care for her and forget the lies. Was she really trying to deceive people? I don't think so; not really. She had to know that most guys would not put up with someone who, the first thing they noticed, was that the other person was lying. They had to know this. So, what I think is that they were very desperate, not because they were not worth knowing, but because they think that are no longer worth knowing. They do not believe in themselves as worthy of love or care. I grew up with very low self-esteem; I know this feeling; I remember avoiding a lot of social gatherings, because I didn't want to take the chance of people finding out I was really nearly worthless under whatever guise I was wearing. If I did attend, I tended to keep to myself or to only talk to my close friends or to keep the talk very light. I have overcome the vast majority of that today; however, it took years of work, counseling, trial/error situations, and determination that I was worth it. That last part, by the way, is the most important as you will get nowhere at all until you believe in yourself. There are a lot of good books and movies and such on that subject and we can discuss those if you choose to in the discussion. What it all boils down to is that you need commitment in your LTRs so they become TLTRs, and you can't give that commitment well until you can do it with truth, and that first means not lying to yourself. I look forward to your comments, Scott