"Opposites Attract"
This old saying was supposed to indicate, I suppose, that variety in a relationship is good. I guess I would agree, to a point. However, when you look at it closer, I believe that there are some problems which stick out in the real world.
People are different; no two are the same. So, there will always be some differences in any two people in a relationship. However, the foundations of a relationship are laid upon the fact that two people can "share" their lives. It is difficult to do that if the two people are truly opposites. How could they lead good, solid, normal lives if they didn't share a lot of beliefs, ideas, and activities? I have met happily married people who seem to be opposites. I have met people who are not very happy who seem to share most of their lives. Why would this be?
My guess is that neither is truly what they seem. I imagine that the "opposite" couples have much more in common than it appears; the similarities are simply deeper than it looks. They may share common goals in life; ways to approach situations; fundamental views on religion or other core-areas. The "similar" couples may not share these ideas, but only superficial beliefs such as minor interests, same tastes in clothes, food, and hobbies.
I will seldom say "never" or "always" when stating viewpoints. This being said, I truly feel that the more areas in which a couple shares ideas and views, the better.
I look forward to your comments,
Scott
Monday, March 1, 2010
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5 comments:
Good morning and God bless you!
Yes, I would agree in principle that if a couple, perhaps less so friends, do not share the most important values and a good number of ideas, then there are likely to be areas of conflict or one person "bending" more than is healthy, in order to keep the peace.
I spoke last week about the large differences between my husband and I, but I think the thing that enables us to press on together is the fact that we do share the most important values and beliefs... and a love and respect for each other. I think that's an important one, do we believe in the same things? If we do, then those beliefs are likely to guide our behaviours and life goals in a similar direction, keeping a couple together, although sometimes walking along parallel paths.
If the members of a couple tend to be at the two extremes of a view, as I shared last week on our different approach to planning ahead, it can either cause an eventual rift or bring both people to a valuable "middle ground", born out of the need to find a compromise but being no bad thing in the final outcome.
I think one of the areas where this is most difficult is when a couple share differing views around money, debt etc. Fortunately, Fray and I are united on this one, but I have seen other couples torn apart because of differences in their levels of responsibility around money. I can also see huge potential difficulties if one person is Christian and the other not, around the whole subject of tithing 10% of your income etc. I am grateful that this is an area where we do not have differences.
Thinking about the areas that are most difficult to vary greatly on, the other things that come immediately to mind are:
child rearing (and in many ways you cannot know your approach until you have children..);
faithfulness;
degree of contact with extended family (mother-in-law syndrome etc.);
religion/spiritual beliefs - I think problems are more likely to arise here if only one person finds God, you probably start out with similar positions, or someone (usually a teenager) may abandon their beliefs when they meet a non-believer and experience internal conflict later on;
politics, but I think this is an area where opposites rarely attract if politics are very important to either person.
Things like taste in decoration etc. are perhaps more superficial and I don't believe are anywhere near as important as the internals.
Well, that's got my brain ticking over a little on a Monday morning. Thanks, Scott!
Namaste,
Linda.
Thank you for those thoughts, Linda. You and I have always agreed on a great many things. I know that is why our friendship has lasted this long over such a distance. Those "internals" are the most important things to have in common and they are often the "hidden" commonalities that keep the bond strong, but do not stand out to the people around.
I really liked the comment you made about a large difference in an important belief or idea causing a couple to come together in a compromise on that idea or belief. Couples who can, without compromising themselves in the process, adjust their ideas within a certain measure are, probably, the most strongly connected people in loving relationships; they have "fought" their way to the middle and have increased their connections in the process.
I have some fairly deep thoughts on this topic, Scott...so please bear with me.
I am actually going to touch upon this in an upcoming blog post on Ayurvedic Principles. If you've not heard of it, it is India's ancient "Science of Life." I am constantly amazed at how accurate it truly is.
This Principle has 3 doshas (or energies) that define our bodies and minds. We all tend to have some of the characteristics of each of the doshas, however, we tend to be predominantly one over the others.
To touch on your topic...I am the dosha Vata(or air) and Ron is the dosha Kapha (or earth). So, in a nutshell, we are very different. Vatas tend to have anxiety and are earsily stressed. However, the Vata is upbeat, energetic, and loves to explore. The Kapha, on the other hand, has an emotional tendancy toward depression. However, this person is loving, kind, and very grounded.
Having said all of that...though Ron and I are very different you can see how we would be very good for one another based on our strengths and weaknesses. In other words, we bring out the very best in each other.
Now you speak of ideas and value...I completely agree that a couple needs to be headed in the same direction. Ron and I have talked at great length about our future and our goals and we are definitely on the same page.
I have most certainly found my soul mate! Does that mean we didn't have to wade through the muck other couples have...NO WAY...it just means God has been at the center of our relationship muddling through with us and we are now at the place where we are very comfortable...I love where we are!!
Great post!
Marisa
Scott, you once told me something very profound - that in an unconscious attempt to become whole or 'a whole,' we seek those qualities in a life partner that we ourselves lack. I've probably mangled your thought here, but it's stuck with me and I see it verified in my life and in those around me. Thank you. Teresa
It is wonderful to see several comments on a blog and such great ones! Teresa, I still agree with that, but would add that I don't think that is such a bad thing at times. I feel there are times when such a search can bring us that special someone especially if they lack the things that we have in ourselves. However, I think what I like the best is the idea that you will find the best person for you once you know yourself well enough to know the qualities you desire in a person, those that will compliment yours and allow the two of you to grow together and be stronger because of those qualities. In short, it's once you become "whole" yourself that you can find, appreciate, and work with that special someone who, being "whole" also, will create an entirely new "wholeness" from the two of you being together.
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